It gets to easy to get wrapped up in the wrong issue. To focus on a “trouble spot” that a magazine or website promises they will help you fix. To look longingly at the legs of the woman on a running magazine and wish yours were that long, than lean. To beat yourself up because you’re certainly no Kara Goucher, so what is it that you’re doing out here?
I have felt lost at times, for months on end (as has everyone, I’m sure). Having children, while it has undoubtedly been the biggest blessing of my life, also really threw me for a loop.
I had my first daughter two days after my 25th birthday. Coming from a place where I wasn’t even exactly sure who I was, I was thrown into the milky and terrifying world of babies. While there was never any question of my devotion to her, I realized, two years later, with a second baby in my arms and a toddler on my knee, that I had no idea who I was.
It happened at a family get together almost four years ago: we were asked to turn to the person on our right (I have a big family) and tell them something that we liked to do. I turned to my cousin, opened my mouth, and nothing came out. After opening and closing my mouth for a few seconds, I think I mumbled something about liking to run.
That realization stayed with me for a while, but I didn’t really do anything about it. Quite frankly, I was too tired, what with the babies and diapers and stuff.
Time passed, and mostly, life started to seem less overwhelming, and then somehow, along the way, I started to identify with this new me, with this “Mom Kaitlyn.”
While I don’t feel so lost anymore, I’ve still hit some stumbling points. Moments where it feels like I’ll never be enough, never do enough. Moments where I am jealous of others, angry at myself. Moments when I wished I was somehow different than I am. Times when I felt so very far away from being perfect.
The thing is though, that I am very far away from being perfect. And that in itself is kind of lovely. I’m not perfect, and hell, I’m not even trying to be anymore. I’m just… me.
Will I ever look like the girl on the cover of a running magazine? Will I ever run a sub-four hour marathon? Will the crow’s feet around my eyes ever lessen? Probably not.
And yet, if I looked like very tiny girl on the cover of the magazine, I may not have been able to give birth to my two beautiful (and hefty!) babies.
If I concentrate on my inability to run a sub-four hour marathon, I will miss out on celebrating the best part of running: the joy it brings me.
So many people strive to be perfect, but I think that if we just took a moment and asked ourselves what perfection really looks like, you may realize that it’s not so far from where you are now. Or if it is, you may realize that you are capable of getting yourself there.
People’s lives aren’t what you see on Facebook. People are sweaty and smelly and we get tired and yell at each other and say shitty things. People are small and weak and scared.
But people are also kind and loving and looking for someone to recognize all of the good that they do, all the sacrifices they make for those they love. People are wonderful and giving and yes, smelly and sweaty.
So if you’re struggling because you’re lost, or because you’re not perfect, ask yourself where it is you truly want to go. Ask yourself how you can get there. If you let go of the notion of perfection, chances are, you’re pretty close.
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